Merchaydeez's Journals

Music+Sweat+Insomnia=Delicious.

Summer is officially here when the highlighter bikini is out and walking around in what seems to be underwear is now apropriate. And man does it feel good as fuck.

This is before BFD when we got a flat on the highway. Good times because on the highway for two hours singing our version George Michael. Oh so delicious two hours. Really. So much fun. Try to get a flat on the highway with your best friend. It's a great, great thing.

The YEAH YEAH YEAHS. Incredible performance. It was chocolate mousse in a sea of jello. So delicious. hahahaha

And then the OFFSPRING. Which was so incredible. Incredible musicans for sure.

Shit I am tired. That journal sucked balls. It's almost 6. fuck.

I miss the dark night. I should've slept earlier. fuck me.

BTW did not get any photos of TAKING BACK SUNDAY. I was too excited, too busy screaming, and suffocated by sweaty men. BEST EXPERIENCE EVVVERRRRRR. Incredible show. NUMBAH ONE IN MY BOOKS. Too short tho! Can't wait for Blink182+Weezer+Taking Back Sunday all on the same stage. Gonna be amazing. Much wuvviez. <3 chay chay.

"Is it not enough to write song and sing it to the birds"

Been so lazy. I've been so fucking sick. It's disgusting.

But seriously I haven't put a vlog in so long and I'm still working on the one I have now. I'm such a failure. I need to find something to major in or something. College can really stress a girl out. Boo. But for now, I've enjoyed my time alone. I've watched a few weird movies and enjoyed them like always. French movies are always my favorite: The Diving Bell and the Butterfly. So good. So invincible. Love that movie. I have the hardest time remembering movies I like and names. Bad bad bad. But that movie is epic.

Another HUGE FACT THAT I HAVE BEEN AVOIDING. HELLO? I must show you pictures of... CANCUN. :) Fun fun. Not as dramatic as it seemed. With a boy I love&included are complcations. Oh, life.

The INCREDIBLE view from my room:

The Private beach that I laid on EVERY SINGLE DAY. You can never get sick of a beach that bright with the warmest water. Me and Matt were that cheesey couple that never stopped laughing. What? Cheesey? Annoying? All of the above. Did I give a flying eff? Nope. Too Happy. Too much fun. :)

View at sunset from our room: Seriously. This just reminds me of fancy drinks and yummy guacamole. I don't even like guacamole, but there it was so good. It's so refreshing and freeing to sit on a deck that's crappy as hell watching the sun go down, feel the warm breeze, with a dos equis, a margarita or a dacharie going so smoothly down your throat.

Morning view. I'm sorry. I couldn't help it. the view was so beautiful and I can't get over it.

VERY VERY BIG FLAG. VERY VERY amusing.

"Margarita y Marijuana". Epic. hahah... funny.

me y mateo. Waiting for a tourist bus to go to the ruins. Boredom=picture taking. You know what I mean.

Mayan Ruins:

SENOR FROGS: So cheesey... yet so much fun. :)

I'm weird. DEAL WITH IT. hahah... I like having fun and being weird and goofy. I can't help it.

More thinking: I've learned a lot of things. But I have yet to learn much about me. Maybe I have... but honestly things like college and the future are overtaking my mind. The pressures all around me are scaring me and pushing me away from trying. I'm too afraid to try. I'm too afraid to become like everyone else stuck in a meaningless job that I hate. Where am I? Where am I heading? I'm ready to find out who I want to be. Who I'm going to be. But is that right for me to do? Is that what I'm meant to do? So many questions. I'm sorry if I'm confusing you. It's understandable why you'd be confused because I don't understand it myself. I'm comfortable in who I am... but I don't understand who I am. I'm gonna stop rambling and I'm going to take a breather.

Another day will go by without these thoughts. With just fun. With just smiles and laughter. nd distracted by stupid, superficial drama that everyone secretly loves (as long as it doesn't invovle self [at times])

Anyway... I'm getting tired. I know I didn't write much and I apologize for that. But I"m going to rest a little... i.e. sleepiez.

Lots of love for buzznet. For Real. I LOVE BUZZNET. it's true love. DEAL haha... ok.

Love and kisses, my buzznet dolls. Have good summer and sleeps.

Merchaydeez.

"The calm before the storm" + after the storm.

I am alright again. I'm going back and forth about how I feel.

Do I like myself? Am I optimistc? Will I try?

The turth is: I'm still not sure.

I have very contradicting wants/needs/etc.

I am horribly pessimistic at the same time I fantasize about large possibilities with great optimism (almost as if they're already real)

I want to get school done, but I hate school and I do it very slowly.

I don't want to live to face the bad stuff, but I want to live.

I'm thinking and rething therapy.

Honestly, I just want to just take a pill and become normal/happy/stress-free.

For now, I distract myself with the following:

I can't help myself.

A good romance is the number one thing to get out of reality and dream like a little teenage girl again.

So... thank you, Twilight for coming out onto DVD so fast - otherwise I'd be asleep. Like I should be.

Does it matter that I'm awake? not really.

Number one bad thing about Twilight: It is ruining the expectations of little girls. It's like porn: guys expect women to be sexual deviants with ultimate perfect bodies. Twilight makes girls expect a perfect man to willingly die and practically be a slave for them. Well... I guess w00t for Twilight porn(?). For god's sake... I'm seriously dying for some man right. BTW: Couldn't help to put William Beckett up. (he will always distract me)

Hope for a hope for me. Please?

I wait for a large change in my life (- saddened I say "wait".)

Mr. Al Green in my airwaves.

You can never go wrong with Al Green. I love that kind of music including old blues and jazz.
Mmm... that between some wheat bread would make one tasty, smooth sandwich.
JRP called back. I'm scared and unsure about modeling. I want to do it so badly. But my Height and my face makes me unsure. They called back and it was confusing. I'm going to call back ay-gane.
In other news... I'm oddly obsessed with The Academy Is... very much so.
I need to calm down about that - but until Mr. Bill Beckett comes up to my face and says, "Mercedes, I'm sorry; I love you, but ... I love you too much to handle", I will keep dreaming. (Obviously way over my head).
School week is over so the guilt won't be back until Tuesday.
Congrats to me: I have no future haha just kidding.
I have hopes. I will try. i will dip my foot into waters of the unknown. Fuck that. I'm gonna jump into the waters of the unknown until I fuck up. My first fuck(s) up: working in RETAIL. GROSS. GROSS. HATE IT.

The Boy in this picture got hurt a few days ago... :( Skateboarding accident on Presidio in SF. His lung deflated. :( Me no likes. So I've been spending a lot of time making him feel better. Wuvvers. I spent a lot of time with his family today so that was yayyerzz-worth.
In other newss... Missing crazy colored hair:

Second Picture: Pretty embarassing.
Anyway... It sucks how fucking bad bleaching it and coloring it on my own really fucks up my hair. I'm trying to go
naturally curly for awhile. Just to help it grow, and keep away from the angry split ends that me no likes.

LA!!! DISNEYLAND! w00ters. <- check that shizz out with zeros. hahahahah
I'm getting a pair of minnie ears. Dressing like a child and having the day of my life. Pictures and videos will definitely be up. :D I'm so fucking excited - it's unbearable.

erger 4AM... not asleep. It's not like I don't get tired... I just don't sleep. I don't like the dark in some cases. During the summer I don't sleep until the sun is up. It's not that I don't like the dark really... it more like.... I love the dark/night. The night is completely dark with no signs of what time of night it is: a feeling of suspension of time.
I like the idea of time stopping and enjoying the simple happy times: being with someone special, with a friend, with family. In the day, it gets darker and the sun moves and you know as happy as you are now - it WILL end, and subconciously you anticipate it. I have such bad writing grammar. It makes so much sense in my head ... I wish I could just verabalize it. sigh sigh sigh.

I'm getting tired - does that mean I'll be sleeping soon? Honestly, probabably not.

A new tomorrow is just creeping up from the horizon. I'm ready in an involuntary way but ready and willing.

The end of my babbling, typing fingers (for now)
Goodmorn, children of the night.

Bad News, kids.

So many old pictures I barely recognize. Bad news, kids: it's like being happy never happened and optimism was a dream. I don't know where to turn and I realize what I small part I have in this world and will have. I feel and want to SO BAD to be a part of something I love and I'm addicted to. I don't know what I have left to do. I am hating college, and taking classes that are forced on me with guilt and pressures. I am hating the things that surround me and I hate that the most: that I'm hating and trying is disappointing.

I have set things that I have always wanted to do and just focus on. 1. Sewing. 2. Pursue modeling in some way. 3. Painting. I don't know what else to do. I'm secretly hoping I'm going to with the $5,000 to prove myself wrong. I want to be told I CAN do something. I AM worth something and I can reach goals if I try hard enough but looking at the other videos for the Skittles makes me see I'm no better. I'm secretly confident held up by my psuedo-optimism and my fantasy world. What would I do with $5,000? Use it to begin schooling that really focuses on what I want to do (sewing classes, drawing classes, etc). God, PLEASE give me this hope.

I'd be lying if I said I wanted to wake up this morning. It's the last thing I wanted. I never wanted to wake up again. I wanted to stay asleep in bliss. I wanted to just sink into the earth so quietly. I'm here because he came. He yelled at me and held me close: I'm confused.

I Don't remember if I was sincerely happy in all of these pictures because I hide a lot because I feel happier when I don't think about it. I like to be by myself and watch movies because real life can really suck. I miss high school and being a kid. I miss not giving a shit and living life without a care. What can I do? What can't I see? Why am I HERE?

I want to be happy. I want to appreciate my life. I want to feel optimistic and shy away from fearing to fail. I want to give it all without doubt. I want to WANT to wake up in the morning. I want a reason. I just want to be fucking happy.

xoxo merecedes

"Simple life" - the Weepies.

So what did I do this week? Well I can't ignore the HUGE MAJOR THING EVER. The Academy Is, This Providence, and Evan Taubenfeld = incredible at Cafe Du Nord.
btw... the following pictures are not mine because I used a disposable camera (which I love love love):

http://thewilliambeckettblog.com/:

I'm officially in love with William Beckett. I really hope they have an up close concert again. I would have to say up close concerts are necessary for music artists.
My number one and only problem with this concert: incredibly moving, good music gets me distracted from the miraculously beautiful people performing two feet in front of you. At many moments, I would have to shake my head to open my eyes. I miss the concert - more than anything. Thank you, Academy Is... you changed my life.

I have been going through a lot of things. College can really kick you in the balls (metaphorically haha) and make you feel completely worthless - at least for me. This concert made me realize how much I fucking love music, how much I fucking love dancing, how much I fucking love art, and how much I fucking LOVE to live my life. There are so many things I can't wait to do. So many people I can't wait to help. So many things I can't wait to dream.

PLEASE PLEASE - if you can go to one of these concerts, do it. For once, it's nice to go to concert where the musicians aren't cocky, condescending assholes- but people with the love of music and laughter.

I got to do the Skittles Contest: I had to remove my music off the video... which made me sad. I mean check out the original video with music. It took me over five days. I LOVE IT. I think I love it because I haven't accomplished something that I loved in awhile.

Another inpirational thing:

It bothers me how you I can't find where I got this picture though it was featured. The colors the look everything. I love blue - this is something I've dreamt about: creepy but true.
Someone please help me out.

Anyway... I'm addicted to Sushi and it sucks when you're poor haha... jk. I really want sushi though. Off to do something I love. I'm over this sad stuff. I'm ready to just live. I hope this time this lasts.

xoxo mercedes

Future down the bung hole.

I love California and it's hard to imagine I'm going to be leaving it in a a year or more.
The rain has been incredible. It actually hailed today too.
I couldn't help myself yesterday: I ran out with all my clothes in the raining. I skipped and ran and hopped by myself and I loved it.
Anyway, always new adventures.

FUTURE-NESS sucks.
I don't know what I'm going to do with my life. I guess I should relax about it... but at the same time, I want to do something I love and not just anything.
I wish I had connections just so I can see how other people got their jobs or how their "life story".

I'm so pessimisstic. Maybe... I should get rid of that first.

-----> still trying to figure out Buzznet.
----> wants to be a model - I'd love to try it out.
---> I'd want to be in a band/singer first of all.
--> I just want to sleep lol.

Keeping my hands crossed. haha... trying to be happy PEACE OUT.

dare to donate?

hi. Hi. hi.
Life sucks right now.
Christmas = no presents + all my necessities stolen = no make up, no hair straightener, goodbye favorite bag, goodbye family heirlooms, goodbye favorite sweater, goodbye materialistic loves.

I need to get my stuff back.

Christmas season was amazing. The cooking, the feeling. yummers.
I need to get serious on this buzznet. ahora.
mucho amore. xx
-mercedes.

First Entry! :)

Okay, So what's up?
I've decided to make a Buzznet for myself for the first time.
I'm staring a new way of life. Well, not that new... but kinda new.
Anyway. I love Buzznet cause I love music and I love some of the crazy people on this thing. I want a new life and I want to find myself more than I know myself now.
That means for me, doing more things I love, striving to be happy, and get independent.
I want my dreams to come true and if not try and be happy as fuckin hell!
Kisses xxx

Thinking about it. All this voting and hope. Obama is President and I couldn't be any happier. I want change in America and I want to be happy to live here and be a part of all this.
But one thing I can't stand is how Prop 8 has passed. It's bull shit. It's not fair. Where is America?

I want something to change. People need to understand that Prop 8 takes away equality, and all their arguments are bull shit.
First finding out that the teacher teaching gay marriage "scare" wasn't in California at all.
I don't understand why these religious people who are trying to look all Christian or what not, aren't being honest and all the money that could've been given to people who need it more is used to give them power for their insecurities.
Anyway, lots of stuff to do in America, a lot help, a lot hypocrisy.
I wish I could help out more than I do.
Again, mucho amore y besos.